In June 1985, in a Paris hospital, Howard was told that he had a gastro-intestinal perforation, similar to what happens with an appendix burst. He was told he would die because there was no doctor to perform the operation that could save him. He said goodbye to his wife and said to himself, “let this end now.” He says he “knew” that what would happen next would be that his “consciousness would end.” [not wish fulfillment]. He says, “The idea of any kind of life after death never entered my mind because I didn't believe in that kind of thing. I knew for certain that there was no such thing as life after death. Only simple-minded people believed in that sort of thing. I didn't believe in God, or heaven, or hell, or any other fairy tales.  I drifted into darkness, asleep into annihilation.” But then he found himself, “standing up. I opened my eyes to see why I was standing up. I was between the two hospital beds in the hospital room.” He was still alive, and he wondered if he was dreaming. “But I knew that I wasn’t. I was aware that I felt more alert, more aware, and more alive that I had ever felt in my entire life.” (10)

He then followed voices who were calling him to follow, and he followed them, feeling anxious about it but at the same time concerned that he might be missing out on something. “Their clothes wer gray and they were pale” (14), but he followed them anyway, despite his reports that he was “in emotional distress [and] quite confused… They appeared to be my only hope.” Tellingly, though, these spirits weren’t very friendly. “Every time I hesitated, they demanded that I keep up.” Later, for Howard, it became “clear to me that they were deceiving me” (15). He then gets into a fight with these spirits who push and shove him, then begin “taunting, screaming, and hitting” him. They start ripping into him, tearing off pieces of flesh. “To my horror, I realized that I was being tajken apart and eaten alive, methoidically., slowly so that their entertainment would last as long as possible.” (17) He realizes that “these creatures were once human beings. The best way I can describe them is to think of the worst imaginable person stripped of every impulse to compassion.” (17). This goes on and gets more horrible, but neither Howard nor I want to dwell on this too long. He gets out of this by saying whatever he can about God, after a voice tells him to pray to God. He tries all he can to remember any prayers from his childhood and he says random things that sound like prayers to him. “Deliver us from eveil. One nation under God. God Bless America.” The creatures fight with him and tell him there is no God, something he believed in life, but he “realized that saying things about God was driving them away” (20). He gets away from them or drives them off but then he is stuck thinking about what just happened. “The all consuming physical pain was secondary to the emotional pain, Their psychological cruelty to me was unbearable” (21). Completely alone “in darkness for time without measure” he thinks about his life and how “my life was devoted to building a monument to my ego” (21) and how “all of my life, I’d fought a constant undertone of anxiety, fear, dread, and angst” (21). “How ironic it was to end  up in  the sewer of the universe with people who fed off the pain of others! I had had little compassion for others. It dawned on me that I was not unlike those miserable creatures that had tormented me. Failing truly to love, they had been led into thruster darkness where their only desire was to inflict their inner torment into one another.” (22) For all intents and purposes, he was in hell as he himself says (23). Then he remembers the song “Jesus loves me” from his childhood. A light comes toward him. “This loving, luminous being who embraced me knew me intimately. He knew me better that I knew myself. He was knowledge and wisdom. I knew that he knew everything about me. I was unconditionally loved and accepted. He was King of Kings and Lord of Lords, Christ jesus the savior. Jesus does love me, I thought” (26). Jesus comforts him. He takes him to another place – “we traversed an enormous distance . light years, although very little time elapsed.” (26) In the presence of the Holy Spirit, he realizes his separation and he thinks he doesn’t belong there, “‘They’ve made a terrible mistake’” (27). To which Jesus responds, “‘We don’t make mistakes, and you do belong here.’” He is comforted further and then he is shown his whole life in a  life review. He sees his parents raise him, understands their motivations for the way they treat him and he understood his own “intense desire for approval and love” that was not met by his stern father (32).  He goes through the whole process of reviewing it and finally cleansing himself of the negative energy, which you can read for yourself in his book. This section might resonate with a lot of people:  

The most disturbing behaviors I witnessed in my life review were the times when I cared more about my career as an artist and college professor than about [my family’s] need to be loved. The emotional abandonment of my children was devastating to review. It was horrifying to see how I had become so much like my father, putting status and success above everything else. I believe that my worth was measured by my success in my chosen career. Because others determine one’s degree of success, one learns to value oneself based on the criteria of others. Of course, one is never good enough because there is always a critic and another level of achievement to conquer. This becomes a never ending quest for the unattainable goal of approval. The more you succeed, the more driven you are to prove your worth. I bought into this game hook, line and sinker. I was caught dangling on the strings others pulled, missing the simple love and joy of wife and family.  (35)

He wanted to end his life review there but they wanted him to learn from what had happened. He understands that “we create our own judgement” and that “the truth judges us. In the light of God there is no deception.”

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“The angels showed me that we do not earn our love of God by the things we do. God’s love is given without cost or strings attached. We live lovingly because God loves us so much. Thank God there is a way to change our lives and be forgiven of our mistakes.” (37)